I've struggled with intrusive thoughts since I was a kid. Christmas is always the hardest time of year for me.
Courtesy of Shawna Sarnowski
- I started having intrusive thoughts as a teenager.
- It always worsens around Christmas because it's a religious holiday, and I feel inadequate.
- Therapy helped me control some of my thoughts, and I'm finally looking forward to this Christmas.
The holiday season can be stressful. Most people are figuring out where they're going to celebrate, what gifts they're going to buy their loved ones, and when they're going to have the time to take their kids to take pictures with Santa at the mall. It's a season filled with endless planning and a constant reminder to appreciate your blessings.
For me, it goes beyond that. Christmas is a season filled with endless rumination as to what can go wrong and a constant reminder to wish I were anyone else.
I struggle with intrusive thoughts, and the holidays always bring out the worst in me.
It started when I was a teenager
When I was 14, I started developing obsessive thoughts that plagued every fiber of my being. These thoughts stemmed from feeling inadequate as a human being.
By then, I had already come to accept that I was gay. I wasn't raised by homophobic parents, but I grew up attending a Catholic school from my early childhood. So chronic guilt and shame were not new to me, and they became exacerbated through the new intrusive thoughts that seemingly came out of nowhere.
I remember walking from the boy's locker room one day when I flashed back to a memory I'd suppressed about seeing pornography at a young age. These thoughts became so strong I believed that there was something innately wrong with me. I believed that if I didn't do something good, something bad would happen. It didn't have any rhyme or reason, but I felt it to be true.
I developed an obsession where I had to "please God," and any shortcomings would come with a punishment. Despite my sexuality, I still very much believed I could have a relationship with God.
The voice in my head that plagued me with these intrusive thoughts was very convincing. I struggled with this for years.
When it got to be the holidays, I would emotionally retreat from everyone
It felt like a shame to be celebrating the birth of Christ on Christmas while also believing I was this awful person in the eyes of God.
When the holidays came around, I got a myriad of intrusive thoughts, such as "I don't deserve presents because I'm gay," "I don't deserve to feel festive because I'm not worthy of celebrating," and "I'd be better off dead since I've sinned all year round."
Those thoughts always pushed me to isolate myself from everyone. My bedroom became my refuge.
Looking back, I also got less verbal around other people during the holidays. Selective mutism is a factor many autistic people deal with — myself included. Given my anxiety around the holidays, there was a part of me that flipped that switch. I went from being open and engaged to communicating that "I wish I could be anywhere but here" with my eyes. These intrusive thoughts truly turned me into a shell of my former self.
Around the holidays one year ago, I had completely abandoned my relationship with my faith. I had tried going to church on and off throughout the years, but it always felt phony. It felt like I was a square trying to fit into a circle, and every time I didn't fit, my intrusive thoughts were there.
I decided to take control of my thoughts by getting help
The reality is that I'm never going to be "cured" of these thoughts. But what I can do is learn how to manage them.
I realized I had to go to therapy. My current therapist was able to finally get something across to me that little Ian couldn't comprehend: "There are 8 billion people in this world, including you. God is probably too busy to cast his righteousness on you for every little sin you make."
In other words, nothing made me special. It was from this point on that I was able to take control of my intrusive thoughts.
I now understand my faith is a trigger for my intrusive thoughts
Given that Christmas has an innate religious component to it, it's only natural I become hypersensitive this time of year. My faith is rooted in my desire to be a good person to myself and others. This is where my intrusive thoughts know when to strike. Intrusive thoughts attack you where it hurts and exploit it. Even having this level of self-awareness has been a helpful tool in my recovery.
Now, for the first time in 10 years, I'm looking forward to Christmas, and I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me. Whatever it is, I am appreciative of all the tools God has helped me acquire.
Contributer : Business Insider https://ift.tt/ayJI9Tg
Reviewed by mimisabreena
on
Monday, December 25, 2023
Rating:
No comments:
Post a Comment